Tonight! Seriously! FREE PIZZA from the PizzaHacker

pizzahack

It’s an impressive thing that Bernal Heights was just named the 2014 Numero Uno Hottest Sexiest Neighborhood in the United States, because that award was given to us before the very delicious PizzaHacker opened for business on Mission at 29th Street.

Today, the PizzaHacker is having its grand opening. That’s great news for pizza lovers, but it may also put Bernal on track to become the Numero Uno Hottest Sexiest Neighborhood in the Entire Galaxy by 2015.

And on top of all the good news, there is one more tasty tidbit to share: Tonight, January 16, 2014, the Pizza Hacker will say hello to Bernal Heights by serving pizza for free.

You read that correctly: PIZZA FOR FREE

The PizzaHacker’s Jimmy Simpson tells Bernalwood:

We just finished painting and the bar is done, so we are having an opening party tomorrow for the Bernal residents. We told a few people, but mainly we wanted to invite locals to try the pizza and introduce ourselves.

We are going to charge for drinks but the pizza will be free. Word on the street is that we are opening at 6 but any Bernal resident is welcome to show up at starting at 5.

So bold. So simple: Free pizza. Tonight. Courtesy of the Pizza Hacker at 3299 Mission Street at 29th. No coupon required, but displays of the secret Bernal Heights hand signal are strongly encouraged.

They’re expecting you.

PHOTO: A marinara pizza from the Pizza Hacker, by Telstar Logistics

Bernal Dads Racing: The Molvo Is Dead! Long Live the Molvo!

sadmolvo

The end came not with a bang, or even with a whimper. It was more like a deep, bubbling hisssssss.

The Bernal Dads Racing Team has announced the demise of the Molvo, their oddball race car with identity issues.

As you may recall, the Molvo began life as a 1995 Mazda Miata, before it was transformed into a 24 Hours of LeMons race car in 2010. After several successful forays on the track, the bodywork from a Volvo 240 station wagon was awkwardly grafted on to the BDR Miata, creating a strange Miata-Volvo hybrid.

The Secret Within

At which point it became the mutant known as the Molvo:

24 Hours of LeMons, October 2011

24 Hours of LeMons

In Volvo drag, the Miata went on to win the coveted LeMons Judge’s Choice trophy at Sonoma Raceway in 2011, bringing honor and glory to all of Bernal Heights in the process:

Baffling to all who saw it, the Molvo completed several more races in the guise of a wannabe Volvo, earning ample respect and even a sexy cameo on the home page of the 24 Hours of LeMons race series:

molvolemons2

Eventually, however, the novelty of racing a Miata cross-dressed as a Volvo began to wear thin, as the weight penalty associated with carrying around a useless Volvo body shell grew tedious.

So a weight reduction program was undertaken. First, the rear part of the Volvo roof was cut off, and the Molvo briefly raced as the “Molvochero.”

24 Hours of LeMons at Infinion

Even this reduced costume grew stale, so the remaining Volvo bodywork was finally removed, once and for all, last year. Repainted in gold spray-paint after a hasty trip to a trackside WalMart, the car then went on to complete valiantly in several more races as a restored — albeit extremely ugly — Mazda Miata.

Thunderhill 2013

24 Hours of LeMons at Sonoma

The Molvo’s final “trophy” came in the form of a penalty handed out by the LeMons judges for a driving infraction. After presenting the Bernal Dads with a set of paints, a tattered copy of “Discover the Joy of Painting with Bob Ross,” and a rasta wig, the  judges ordered the Dads to execute a copy of a Bob Ross painting on the hood of the car. Which they did, in rather impressive style:

Thunderhill 2013

Thunderhill 2013

Last December at Sonoma, however, the ex-Molvo became sad.

From the moment it was removed from the trailer, the Miata began experiencing overheating problems that persisted even after the Dads performed an emergency trackside water pump replacement. Toward the end, the Miata was overheating every 10 minutes, and when Racer Brandon finally brought it into the pits the car was a hot, steaming mess.

sadmolvo

In the end, the head gasket was likely blown, and the head itself might well be warped. These are addressable problems, but the BDR elders decided that it was time to move on. The ex-Molvo was put up for sale, and last week it was purchased by a group of suckers new race team seeking to get a start in the exciting world of 24 Hours of LeMons racing:

newmiatateam

The Bernal Dads wish them the best of luck.

Now the Dads have undertaken a new project — one that might be even more foolhardy than putting a Miata in a Volvo costume. They recently acquired a 1987 Alfa-Romeo Milano from the estate of a deceased gentleman in Marin:

Alfa

Work is now underway to transform this esoteric Italian automobile — with all its attendant Italian mechanical quirks — into a LeMons-ready endurance race car in time for the next LeMons race at Sonoma on March 22.

The Molvo is gone, but the Milano will soon be ready to race on Bernal’s behalf.

It’s Official: Bernal Heights Is the Hottest Neighborhood in America

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Redfinlist4

Is there a word for the emotion that combines a deep sense of pride with a profound sense of ambivalence? In English? Or, even better (for dramatic effect), in German? Because, dear Citizens of Bernalwood, that’s the feeling we suspect many Bernalese will experience upon reading the following:

The online real estate site Redfin just released their list of the Hottest Neighborhoods of 2014, and Bernal Heights occupies the top slot on the list.

First.

Number One.

Hottest.

In the United States.

Here’s what they have to say about us:

Bernal Heights has “It”. It has the small town feel while still being in San Francisco. You can feel as though you’re separated from the craziness of the city when you get home, yet are so close if you desire a night on the town. I think Bernal Heights homebuyers are attracted to all the parks that are available, access to Cortland street shops and restaurants, and the strong sense of community. Bernal also offers easy access to the 101 and 280 for those who work in the South Bay or travel a lot. 2013 brought a competitive market for all of SF, and especially for Bernal Heights. Nearly every offer I wrote in Bernal Heights in 2013 faced competing bids. People who buy in Bernal tend to see it as somewhere to put down roots and build a life rather than as a temporary place to live.

All that sounds about right. In an email to Bernalwood, Redfin’s Cory Ramsey explained how Bernal ended up on top:

Redfin based the rankings on the places that are trending among the millions of homebuyers searching on Redfin.com leading into the new year. Common features shared by the hottest neighborhoods include highly rated schools, short commutes and affordable prices. We also collected Redfin agents’ insights into which neighborhoods have seen the biggest growth in popularity among today’s homebuyers. Redfin created a Top 10 list for the country, looking at 21 top metro areas, and also broke down the top 5 neighborhoods for each city. Bernal Heights was the #1 overall.

Did you follow that? Neither did we.

Anyhow, Housingwire’s ReWired blog writes:

Congratulations, residents of “Bernal Heights North Slope” in San Francisco. You’re the hottest neighborhood of 2014, according to real estate website Redfin.

That’s the good news.

The bad news: Redfin is calling you and other communities securing spots on the “Hottest Neighborhoods of 2014” list the ‘Susan Luccis of real estate’.

Like the famous soap star, who spent years being snubbed by the Emmys before finally winning her award, Bernal Heights along with No. 2 ranked Eagle Rock (in Los Angeles) remains a hidden gem.

But no longer will these communities live on without the world knowing how great they are.

Hmm. Not really relating to that Susan Luccis metaphor, though we like the idea of Bernal winning an Emmy.

So there you go. Since we’re now officially the Hottest Neighborhood in America, let’s all take about 30 seconds to pat ourselves on the back before we begin gnashing our teeth over home prices, gentrification, and the enviable pitfalls of nationwide fame.

Wednesday: Glenn Lym Discusses “The Topography of Bernal Heights”

bernaltopo-westviewannot

Tomorrow, Wednesday January 15, the Bernal History Project will play host to a talk by architect Glenn Lym, during which he will discuss his very cool historic topographic maps of Bernal Heights.

It should be fascinating fun for history wonks and cartography geeks alike. Here are the deets:

Glenn Lym on “The Topography of Bernal Heights and the Mission”

A Bernal History Project Event

Jan 15, 2014 7:00pm-8:30pm (Wednesday)
at Bernal Heights Branch Library
500 Cortland (at Andover) San Francisco

Architect and architectural historian Glenn Lym will show the 3D map he has created of Bernal Heights and the Mission flats and talk about how the topography of the neighborhood has changed since the 1852-3 U.S. Coastal Survey.

Material is Based on his documentary:
HERE5 – Erased Landscape: The Making of Flat Land in Central San Francisco

UPDATED: New Merchant Association: “We Don’t Know What to Call It Yet, But It Will Certainly Not Be La Lengua”

Well, this is awkward.

The initial seed of discontentment over the nomenclature used to describe the flat portion of the Dominion of Bernalwood along Mission Street has now become an outright counter-rebellion. MissionLocal reports that business-owners along Bernal’s Mission corridor are in the process of creating a merchant’s association, and the group’s first task is to settle upon a name for the area that is something other than “La Lengua”:

Every revolution has its line-in-the-sand moment. For one architect south of Cesar Chavez, the moment came when locals — and even allegedly some city officials — started using “some hipster name” to refer to the neighborhood: La Lengua.

That translates to “The Tongue” in English, and it left a bad taste in the merchants’ mouths. In fact, they are forming their own merchants association — first meeting today — to rebrand themselves and define their commercial interests in the microhood where Bernal Heights and the outer edges of the Mission meet.

“That stupid name really got everyone listening,” said Harlan Hoffman, an architect with an office and a building on Mission Street, who is one of the main members of the association’s formation committee. “In a good way, that kind of spurred us on, and we decided to go ahead with this plan.”

Harlan Hoffman goes on to say:

 “It’s not the Inner Mission, it’s not the Outer Mission — it’s its own thing,” Hoffman said. “We don’t know what to call it yet, but it will certainly not be La Lengua.”

See? Ouch. Awwwwwwkwaaaaaard.

Since the disputed area is, and always shall be, an integral part of the Dominion of Bernalwood, we have no stake in the nomenclature controversy, except to treat it is a local matter that requires local resolution among the indigenous people.

However, we would remind the merchants in the disputed region that there is precedent for what they seek to accomplish, as Bernalwood revealed in this old storefront decal:

Hiding in plain sight on a vacant Mission Street storefront just north of 30th Street, [Neighbor Ben] found a vintage decal which pledges fealty to the “South of Army – Mission Merchants Association.”

Who were these proto-La Lenguans? What can we infer about the people who roamed the flatlands in the days before Army Street became Cesar Chavez Boulevard? The decal’s intimation that “He Knows You – You Know Him” suggests they were a paternalistic tribe that was closely bound by kinship ties and sharply-defined notions of geographic solidarity.

Unfortunately, since Army Street is indeed now called Cesar Chavez, the new merchants association is unlikely to embrace its historic antecedent in toto — which is sort of too bad, because that old graphic is ridiculously fabulous. (Memo to Secession Design: That logo. On a t-shirt. PLEASE!)

Bernalwood has reached out to rebel spokesblogger Burrito Justice, leader of the La Lenguan autonomy movement, for comment on this matter. He promised to release a statement soon, but in the meantime, his activity on Twitter suggests there will be more to come in the days ahead:

Lalenguatweet1

DEVELOPING….

UPDATE: 1/14/14, 10 am: Burrito Justice has released a statement, and meme-ready image, regarding the burgeoning nomenclature controversy:

Harlan, here’s what you don’t get — La Lengua doesn’t care what you think. La Lengua just… is. We didn’t try very hard, and La Lengua took off. We are having fun.

You seem angry, Harlan. But the more you try to hate on La Lengua, the stronger it will become.

obi-wan-la-lengua1

Deli Pub Clean-Out Leaves a Bocana-Sized Mess

delipubmessy

It’s not clear at this point who now controls the space formerly occupied by the lost, lamented Deli Pub. But over the weekend several neighbors grumbled to Bernalwood about the huge mess left on the street during the current Deli Pub clean-out.

Neighbor Jean, who shared the photo above, writes:

In this day and age of public airing – we neighbors on Bocana are disgusted. Since the new owners took over the Deli Pub, they have been leaving garbage out for hours at a time. But this last dump from clearing out was over 24 hours, and during the night folks added to it and broken glass and old food – a real health hazard in so many ways. The worst part of it is actually behind those bins. It finally got cleaned up mid- morning (Saturday) after being there since Friday.

Rent a dumpster like everyone else and do it the right way.

May your pastrami sandwiches NEVER taste as good as Imad’s.

Karma is a B&^#H!

A Beautiful Bernal Hill Sunrise, as Seen from La Lengua

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bernalenguasunrise2

Neighbor Jen lives in Bernal’s La Lengua Autonomous Region, and (unlike us) she is an early riser. She has put her Circadian rhythm to good use by sharing these lovely photos of Bernal Hill taken from her home on Sunday morning, in the wee hours of the new day:

I live at the bottom of Bernal (aka La Lengua), and I get up ridiculously early. It’s pretty nice to see that bright pink light filtering through the curtains.

PHOTOS: Neighbor Jen

This Proposed Freeway Tunnel Under Bernal Heights Would Have Destroyed My Home

BernalTunnel.1941

Courtesy of Eric Fischer, king of the map geeks, your Bernalwood editor was alerted yesterday about a 1941 map detailing a freeway proposal that would have required the construction of a 2945 foot-long automobile tunnel under Bernal Hill.

Unlike other unrealized plans to tunnel through our neighborhood, this scheme would have created a tunnel running underneath the most central parts of Bernal Heights, via Andover starting at Cortland on the south side, and exiting beneath Shotwell on the north:

BernalTunnel.1941.detail

On the bright side, the exaggerated side-cut elevation of Bernal Hill is rather cool:

BernalTunnel.elevation

There’s a lot of obvious things for everyone to dislike about this idea. Yes, of course, cutting the neighborhood in half and clogging it with smog-belching automobile traffic would have been terrible and all… but the real issue for me is that the northern portal of the Bernal Heights Tunnel would have been located on the exact location of my Precita Avenue home:

BernalTunnel.me

Indeed, it appears that the very spot where I write this sentence right now would have been appropriated to make way for a four-lane concrete slab carrying traffic in and out of the northern tunnel opening.

All in the name of progress, naturally.

What this means, of course, is that in some sort of alternate science fiction timeline, the tunnel project was approved and completed, resulting in the condemnation and demolition of my home. Which means I never ended up in Bernal Heights, and Bernalwood never existed, and we would not be enjoying this lovely day together.

Of course, in an alternate-alternate science fiction timeline, it’s also possible that I used a chronological wormhole to return to 1941 as a time-traveling NIMBY to prevent the construction of the Bernal Heights Tunnel from happening in the first place. It’d be kind of like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator, only I’d be armed with vast wads of inflation-appreciated cash and an intimate understanding of bureaucratic minutiae. (As an added bonus, I’d probably also warn them about Pearl Harbor.)

Or perhaps that’s not science fiction at all. Perhaps the only reason we are enjoying this lovely day together at all is because some Future NIMBY actually did travel back in time to prevent the tunnel from ever being built!

The mind reels…

PHOTOS: via the ever-fabulous Eric Fisher

“Breakfast with Enzo” Returns to the Bernal Heights Neighborhood Center

Enzo

After all the awkwardness and thinly veiled acrimony, they managed to work it out. Now, Bernalwood is pleased to share the news that Breakfast with Enzo has returned to the Bernal Heights Neighborhood Center for his weekly Saturday show, beginning tomorrow,  Saturday, January 11.

Children of all ages rejoice:

Enzo Garcia and Bernal Heights Neighborhood Center (BHNC)
are pleased to announce the continuation of
Breakfast with Enzo every Saturday from
10AM to Noon for $6 per person at
BHNC’s multi-purpose space at 515 Cortland Avenue.
The first show of 2014 will take place this Saturday, January 11th.

Enzo Garcia and BHNC are committed to working together to ensure that the community continues to enjoy Breakfast with Enzo. We appreciate everyone’s understanding while working on a mutually beneficial way to continue the performances.

As a recent member of BHNC, Enzo is providing time for Rachel Ebora, BHNC Executive Director, to speak briefly about BHNC and how we as a community can help the organization achieve its mission to preserve and enhance the ethnic, cultural and economic diversity of Bernal Heights and surrounding neighborhoods.

For more information or to become a member, please visit bhnc.org and when you join up please send an email to enzogarcia@earthlink.net with “JOINED BHNC” in the subject field.

See you at show, and thank you for supporting your community.

Enzo Garcia and Rachel Ebora/BHNC

PHOTO: via Yelp

Canine Rescue: Help Restore the Doggie Diner Heads

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doggiediner.1981

As you may recall, Bernalwood recently explored the history of the Bernal Heights branch of the Doggie Diner restaurant chain that ruled the corner of Mission and Cesar Chavez from the 1960s until the 1980s.

You may also recall that three giant Doggie Diner fiberglass mascots survive to this day as a traveling trio of cultural ambassadors mounted to the back of an old trailer:

Doggie Diner heads invade the Mission District

And you may even remember that many Citizens of Bernalwood were overjoyed by these same doggie heads last October, when they were spotted on Folsom Street wearing sporty knit wool cozies:

yarndogs1

Well, the doggies are now 50 years old, which is why the esteemed John Law,  custodian of the Doggie Diner heads, has launched a worthy Kickstarter campaign to fund their restoration:

I and a small handful of friends have been bringing these local icons to charity events, parades, and art happenings for the last 20 years FOR FREE and for the sheer joy of it. These local icons are the only things that seem to brighten the day of everyone who sees them—every time—and for me, that is worth all the labor and expenses that I have poured into them years.

Twenty years of hauling them around on a rickety trailer and 50 years in the sun has taken its toll, and they are in desperate need of repair. But restoring a vintage, 10-foot-tall, 300lb fiberglass and metal sculpture is complicated, labor intensive, and expensive—and we have three of them! We need to raise $48K in just 30 days to get the work done.

Though these Doggie Diner heads do not live in Bernal, history has made them a part of us. And as further evidence of this project’s bona fides, Billy Collister, one of the metalworkers participating in the restoration effort, was the contractor who completed my home renovation years ago, so your Bernalwood editor is quite comfortable endorsing both his workmanship and industry.

Most importantly, amid constant socio-economic change and the multi-generational transformation of our neighborhood’s landscape, seldom do we have the chance to preserve a such a tangible slice of an older, even weirder San Francisco.

Especially one that’s so easy to park.

This is one such opportunity. You can donate to the Doggie Diner Restoration effort right here.

PHOTOS: Top, Historic photos of Bernal’s Doggie Diner at the corner of Mission and Cesar Chavez.

Bernal Heights Sunset Is the Pantone 2014 Color of the Year

radiant-orchid-main

A few weeks ago, Bernalwood’s Cub Reporter and I visited the superchic Lowe’s home improvement store on Bayshore at the foot of Cortland. Inside, we noticed a display in the paint department celebrating the 2014 Pantone Color of the Year, a shade of purple called Radiant Orchid:

Radiant Orchid blooms with confidence and magical warmth that intrigues the eye and sparks the imagination. It is an expressive, creative and embracing purple—one that draws you in with its beguiling charm. A captivating harmony of fuchsia, purple and pink undertones, Radiant Orchid emanates great joy, love and health.

Right? Totally.

Now, fast-forward to Monday evening. Bernalwood pal @valjoy9 shared a photo of a spectacular sunset over Bernal Heights. And wouldn’t you know it… Bernal is soooo fashionable and soooo au courant that even our sunsets occur in the Pantone Color of the Year:

pantonesunsetPHOTO: @valjoy9