Neighbor John reports from a seasonal horror show currently on display in Bernal Heights:
For the past few Halloweens, a few of us on Gladys Street have been collaborating, carving upwards of 20 pumpkins in and afternoon and then creating the “Grisly Picket Fence of Death” to display ’em. We know other houses are also getting into the … ahem … spirit, so we wondered if you’d want to post shots of Bernal’s holiday pride.
Bwwwwwaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!
PHOTOS: Neighbor John
From his covert utility-meter lair hidden inside an otherwise typical home on Bocana Street, Mossquatch, Bernal’s favorite mutant Bryophyta-Homo Sapien hybrid, has launched a daring campaign to become the next President of the United States.
We have no information on Mossquatch’s fundraising efforts or his campaign strategy, but Bernalwood expects his policy positions to be very, very green.
Also, for what it’s worth, your Bernalwood editor totally anticipated Mossquatch’s political career in our original post last year:
Prediction: Mossquatch is embraced as folk hero by Bernal Heights vegans, becomes raw food spokesmonster, develops political aspirations, defeats David Campos (the “rumored omnivore”) for D9 Supervisor’s seat, serves two terms in Board of Supes, runs for Mayor of San Francisco, and, after hard-fought campaign, elected by mudslide in 2019.
Mossquatch: He’s tanned! He’s rested! He’s ready!
PHOTOS: Fiid Williams
As the parking wars rage in some parts of Bernalwood, a neighbor on Elsie Street recently expressed him/herself rather more courteously in this vehicular memorandum:
Please be [considerate] next time [of] limited parking space[s] by parking in rear closer to driveway thereby allowing more space in front of you.
Could the lack of passive-aggressiveness be due to… the lovely weather we’ve been having? The civilizing influence of the nifty new Bernal-based service CurbTxt? The effects of the pharmaceutical substance on the note’s letterhead (Fluoxetine = Prozac)?
Whatever the cause, point is: Nice parking notes are possible!
Those militant yarn bombers are at it again, spreading their colorful, creative pixie-dust in the heart of the La Lengua Autonomous Zone. Neighbor Barbara says:
I came across some new (to me) yarn bombing on 29th Street on Monday. We need more! Who are the yarn bombers? I hope they will do some SF Giants related yarn bombing soon, in honor of the playoffs.
PHOTO: Neighbor Barbara
The awesome note shown here was spotted this morning in Bernal, near Coleridge and Virginia.
It seems that one of our neighborhood motorcycle owners had a spark plug stolen yesterday, and in response, said motorcycle owner placed a diabolical hex upon the thief. Which, in fairness, is probably deserved, because, really … stealing a three dollar spark plug is extremely lame.
PHOTO: Thank you, Neighbor Jonathan
Is your cat missing in action? Neighbor Rikki found one near Precita Park last night:
I found a well-fed and obviously well-loved calico (??) cat outside of Harvest Hills Market (Precita and Folsom). He was wandering around collar-free, so I wondered if he just got lost.
UPDATE: Kitty and owner have been re-united. Nice work, people.
PHOTO: Neighbor Rikki
Neighbors Rudy and Kseniya report that an owl has gone missing from a home on Gates near Cortland. The missing creature is a presumably a decorative statue… but we’re not entirely sure. Also, 😦
UPDATE: The owl belonged to Neighbor Nancy, who just commented:
Yes, our owl went missing a couple of weeks ago. It’s purpose was to scare away the pigeons, but all the local kids, including ours, loved it! If you know of its whereabouts, please return it. The outpouring of concern has been amazing, but it’s disheartening that it happened in the first place.
PHOTO: Neighbor Kseniya
Neighbor Yatima and I recently spent some time looking at this photo, which was taken last weekend atop Bernal Hill by a Bernalwood reporter. Savvy Bernalese will immediately recognize this as the southwest corner of the hill; it’s the area that the local skiiers call Rock Quarry.
But there’s another reason why this terrain looks so familiar, and Neighbor Yatima put her finger on it:
Can’t believe we landed a nuclear rover right there. Awesome.
She’s referring to the glamorous Curiosity Rover that landed recently on the surface of Mars. Sure enough, Curiosity’s photos of the Martian terrain sure do look an awful lot like this cozy corner of Bernal Hill. So that got me wondering. What if…
I decided to see if the original Bernal photo had been doctored. Sure enough, when I examined the digital file, I noticed some odd fragmentation along the edges of the image that would be consistent with a photo that had been cropped to narrow the perspective. Hmmm…
If the image had been cropped, what parts of the photo had been removed? The next step was to restore the image to it’s original size and perspective. Using vectored antipixel algorithms, Bernalwood was able to reconstruct and enhance the base image.
What we found was rather shocking:
That’s right. A full reconstruction of the original image reveals the Curiosity rover perched atop Bernal Hill. But how? How can Curiosity be sitting on Bernal Hill, when we all know that right now it is parked inside a crater on Mars?
Fellow Citizens of Bernalwood, it seems we may have a Capricorn One situation on our hands. Indeed, our investigation suggests that the Curiosity rover has been atop Bernal Hill this entire time, and that the whole “mission to Mars” is little more than an elaborate ruse.
But who would perpetrate such a hoax? And who has the technological capacity to pull it off? As I studied the reconstructed image, I noticed a blue insignia on the rover’s nuclear battery pack:
It wasn’t clear enough to read, so I tried to zoom and enhance it. That’s when the last piece of the puzzle finally fell into place:
The truth really is out there.
Neighbor Kristen noticed something very cozy in Precita Park yesterday:
Wondering if you have any investigative reporting on the knit caps we saw today near the playground at Precita? Someone suggested there was possibly a guerrilla knitting group in the area but she didn’t know the name. I am so curious to know more! And would love one of my own. Maybe they could knit a cap for our house to stop the drafts?
Very fashionable! Very mysterious! Definitely the work of a guerrilla operation… but Bernal Hill is notoriously rife with yarn bomber cells, so, which one???
UPDATE, Aug 25: The cozies are still there, and now Neighbor Leslie has taken a terrific photo that highlights how wonderful they really are:
PHOTO: Top, Neighbor Kristen. Below, Neighbor Frank. Bottom, Neighbor Leslie
I noticed him last weekend as I approached Bernal Hill from the southern entrance; he was silhouetted against Sutro Tower and the setting sun. He was standing on the rim of the old gravel pit the Bernal snowboarders call Rock Quarry, and as I got closer I noticed that he was leaning on… a unicycle!
But it was no ordinary unicycle: It had a beefed-up frame and one knobby tire; it looked a lot like a monster truck (if a monster truck had pedals and only one spoked wheel). I moved in warily for a closer look:
I watched him look down the rock steep face, and pause for a meditative moment on the lip of the couloir…
… and then — TOTALLY XTREME!!!— he dropped in!
Dude rode it all the way down, smooth as glass, and didn’t stop until he hit the flats below.
Impressive. Maybe next time he can try doing it while also juggling bowling pins or playing an accordion.
PHOTOS: Telstar Logistics
Here’s a novel twist: Instead of leaving scolding notes about careless parking behavior, someone posted a scolding note on the Bernal Heights Park bulletin board about careless blogging in our neighborhood.
Bernalwood is conflicted: Naturally, we will not tolerate any such oppressive attempts at disempowerment, especially when delivered in such a tacky font. Yet at the same time, we agree wholeheartedly.
PHOTO: @hernanp
Neighbor Lee has started a blog to document “images of stuff that is left on Eugenia steps in Bernal Heights.” Lee tells Bernalwood:
For my own entertainment I am posting pictures of the junk I find on the Eugenia steps between Winfield and Prospect. The rule is: if the item is remotely useful to anyone I will leave it there for a while, otherwise I remove it. I only document junk left between Winfield and Prospect and I am not interested in anywhere else (sorry). I have to say: since I started the blog it feels like the volume of junk has dropped off. Maybe we need another 100 or so similar blogs for Bernal?
PHOTOS: Junk on Eugenia
It’s not as much fun as a Bigfoot sighting — but it may be even more smelly. Neighbor Carlina is unhappy to report that blue bags filled with doggy poop have taken root on the streets of Precitaville:
The rumors are true… there are stray Blue Bags of Poo (BB-OPs) on the loose. Somehow, bags of dog poop keep mysteriously leaving the hands of their owners and depositing themselves on Shotwell Street. This happens once or twice a week while they are presumably on the way back home from Precita Park. While waiting to see what path they take next, I have discovered that these BB-OPs like to find their way to the gutter. They tend to shy away from what might normally be considered their home (the garbage can three feet away) and instead place themselves in harm’s way, where a car tire usually finds them.
I see several possible scenarios:
1) BB-OP gets alarmingly and spontaneously hot forcing it’s owner to spontaneously drop it before it is able to reach it’s proper resting place,
2) BB-OP was out taking a walk, independent of a dog or owner and lost it’s way,
3) Someone(s) is/are not so clear on the Blue Bag’s true destiny and the reason it came to this world, instructions for which are as follows:
- Pick up pooh with Blue Bag thereby protecting your hands and the feet of future walkers
- Deposit said blue bag in the closest garbage can or keep walking until you find a garbage can (in the case of these photos – three feet)
- Ultimately this will lead the Blue Bag to it’s True Destiny and it will no longer be forced to take the desperate measure of throwing itself beneath the tires of parking cars
Consider it a movement, a social imperative, a calling, or at minimum, a courtesy to your neighbors in Bernalwood…
PHOTOS: Feral bags of Dog Poop, by Neighbor Carlina
Bernalwood 
