The attempted takeover of Bernal Heights by imperialist raccoons continues. As you can see in this video filmed this week by Neighbor Ben, the glowing eyes of the crafty creatures reveals that they have been mating with Jawas from Tatooine.
Pro Tip: Hide your droids.
Citizens of Bernalwood, reports are streaming in to our newsroom this morning about a massive Goat Invasion on Bernal Hill. These sightings have been confirmed by Bernalwood’s team of livestock analysts.
At the present time the flock of goats is clustered around the the College Hill Reservoir near Holly Park. Our sources tell us the goats are part of San Francisco’s 415th Hircine Landscaping Battalion, and that they have been deployed to trim the grass in the reservoir area.
Neighbor Walker writes:
My girlfriend and I just moved to the neighborhood, and we’re thrilled to be here. Our backyard borders Holly Reservoir, which we thought was uninhabited. Apparently not! After a bit of research, it seems this guy is a member of SF Water’s brush clearance project [which recently devoured the tall grasses of the Portola District].
Here’s more on-the-scene reportage from the scene of the goat invasion:
PHOTOS, from top, Neighbor Walker. Below, Neighbor Sarah, and Neighbor Matt
Citizens of Bernalwood, please join us in welcoming new neighbor Anthony Brown to Bernal Heights. (Note: Anthony is the creature on the left in the photo above.)
By day, Neighbor Anthony has one of the coolest jobs imaginable: He’s the lead penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo. Yet after each excruciatingly cute day spent wrangling penguins at the Zoo, Anthony returns home to excruciatingly cute Bernal Heights, where he lives among us here in our native habitat.
Bernalwood is proud to bring you this exclusive celebrity interview with our very own Penguin Whisperer:
Bernalwood: A penguin told me that you actually grew up in Bernal Heights. Penguins have been known to exaggerate, however, so I want to check my facts. Is that true?
Neighbor Anthony: Yes! My family moved to Bernal Heights from the Tenderloin in 1986, when I was 4-years-old. We lived on the south side of the hill, on Ellsworth street.
What was Bernal like when you were growing up?
Just as is the case now, Cortland was the main artery, with the weekend rush for the flea market and farmers markets. Going to Paul Revere Elementary School, I spent a lot of my time romping around the hill, Precita Park, Saint Mary’s Playground, and Holly Park.
What brought you back to Bernal? Are you exhibiting some sort of penguin-like migratory behavior?
Honestly, over the years I’ve followed the Bernalwood blog to stay up to speed with the neighborhood, which really was a big part in deciding my return.
I’ve spent the majority of my adult life on the left side of the city, living in the Presidio a couple of times, Lakeshore, and the Outer Richmond. A sudden “change of plans” struck my life a couple of months ago, which caused the need to move. Thanks to the wonders of craigslist (it’s a pretty cool website, you should check it out) I found a sweet pad on Montcalm, with the most perfect roommates –Hi Lisa & Michele!
What’s it like to return to Bernal? Then vs. now?
I love being back here; the proximity to the rest of the city is great. But at the same time, there’s enough distance for Bernal to really be its own little village.
Other than the businesses on Cortland, not much has changed. It’s nice to have the same feeling and atmosphere that I remember growing up. Bernal Heights has gotten better. It has resiliency and has retained a similar feel, but there’s also been a perfect amount of progress.
So what exactly do you do at the zoo?
I’m the primary Animal Keeper for the San Francisco Zoo’s magellanic penguin colony – it’s the largest, most successful colony of this species in any zoo or aquarium in the world. In addition to feeding, cleaning, exhibit management, enrichment, training, record keeping, public presentations, VIP tours, volunteer management, for the penguins, bald eagles, pelican, cassowary, and frogs in my work area, I also help out with the zoo’s social media efforts — mostly the zoo’s twitter account.
How would you describe the personality of a typical penguin?
There really is no such thing as a typical penguin; each of our 49 magellanic penguins is a total individual, with different wants, needs, and interests. The most interesting part of getting to know the penguins is the relationships between the birds. Some penguin pairs have been together for over a decade, while others spend a few breeding seasons with a bird, then move on to someone else.
That sounds like many residents of Bernal Heights. Have you noticed any other similarities between the penguins at the zoo and the Citizens of Bernalwood? Behaviorally? Sartorially?
I’d say the biggest similarity is breeding – both the neighborhood and our penguin colony are incredibly productive groups, with multi-generational offspring running about their respective areas.
PHOTO: Anthony Brown and penguin friend
I’m pleased to report that the swarm of raccoons that recently attempted to invade my home has retreated back into the jungles of Bernal Heights. For the moment. I hope.
Yet wild animals are still active here in our Wild Kingdom, with two critter sightings this week that are worthy of note.
Yesterday Neighbor Christin captured the above photo of the Dissident Parrots of Bernal Heights while the birds were having a meeting in a tree on Prentiss Street, just below the hill. Bernalwood’s sources tell us the birds had gathered to discuss the planned downtown development at 8 Washington Street, and one parrot was overheard saying, “If Aaron Peskin is against it, then we must be in favor of it!”
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Bernal…
Neighbor Catherine sent in this report from Treat Avenue:
Evidently a Bernal native, this opossum has been making daily house calls to us on the north slope.
Eeeek!
PHOTOS: Above, Neighbor Christin, below, Neighbor Catherine
Why did this chicken Precita Park on Saturday afternoon? I have no idea! But he crossed it with gusto, in glamorous Bernalwood style.
PHOTO: Telstar Logistics
Oh, babies. They just get into everything, don’t they? Case in point: This juvenile gastropod was spotted gliding along the outside of an illegally-left-by-the-curb green bin earlier this week.
Had it managed to gain ingress, it would no doubt have been pleased by the seemingly endless all-you-can-eat buffet… before facing certain death in the Bay Area’s industrial composting facility.
Luckily for this creature, it was airlifted to a nearby bush by one Ember, age 4, of Elsie Street. Crisis averted!
The raccoon menace continues in Bernal Heights.
Last week, I looked up from dining room table to see a pack of FOUR (4) raccoons marching down the walkway in my back yard toward our home. Yet before I could get up from my chair, Smudge, our valiant male feline, dashed outside to secure the perimeter.
Arching his back, with his kitty-fur standing on end, Smudge took a stand on the back yard steps while transmitting an unmistakable message to the raccoons in a silent language that no human could hear: “NONE SHALL PASS!” he said.
A brief standoff ensued. The four raccoons glared at our cat, but Smudge did not budge. Then, after about a minute, the raccoons casually turned around and sauntered off in the other direction, away from our house and out of our yard. After the would-be invaders completely disappeared from view, brave Smudge returned to the house, curled up in his cat bed, and took a nap.
All in a day’s work.
PHOTO: Telstar Logistics
Bernalwood supports our many merchants and businesses in Bernal Heights, and in that spirit we bring you this announcement from one of our more energetic local service providers:
My name is Enoch Pacheco. I’m a 14 year old resident of Bernal Heights who is providing a Dog Jogging Service for the Neigborhood. I heard about the blog you have by word of mouth and think it would be great if you could post an advertisement on your blog for the service that I provide.
The jogging session is done in your neighborhood when possible. My preference is to use nearby parks. My main goal is to provide your dog with the necessary exercise to keep their bones and joints in good health. Being cooped up in the house all day can lead to boredom, mischief and a severe lack of exercise. I look forward to hearing from you. Whether your dog needs a running or a fast paced walking service, he/she is sure to benefit from a daily fitness routine!
If this a service that may be of use to you, please dial the number on your screen:
Oh, and as for his other qualifications… Bernalwood’s research revealed that in 2011, Enoch broke a San Francisco AAA Middle school Track Record in the 400 Meter Dash, with a time of 58.90.
Hopefully, your dog can keep up with him.
PHOTOS: Enoch Pacheco, by his friend Shawn
Neighbor Donna sent this in to the Bernalwood Lost Animal Hotline last night:
I saw this poster on several fences on Brewster St. this afternoon. Keep your eyes open for a slow moving pet!
Indeed. If you find the missing creature, which is not native to Bernal Heights, please dial the number on your screen.
It’s not as much fun as a Bigfoot sighting — but it may be even more smelly. Neighbor Carlina is unhappy to report that blue bags filled with doggy poop have taken root on the streets of Precitaville:
The rumors are true… there are stray Blue Bags of Poo (BB-OPs) on the loose. Somehow, bags of dog poop keep mysteriously leaving the hands of their owners and depositing themselves on Shotwell Street. This happens once or twice a week while they are presumably on the way back home from Precita Park. While waiting to see what path they take next, I have discovered that these BB-OPs like to find their way to the gutter. They tend to shy away from what might normally be considered their home (the garbage can three feet away) and instead place themselves in harm’s way, where a car tire usually finds them.
I see several possible scenarios:
1) BB-OP gets alarmingly and spontaneously hot forcing it’s owner to spontaneously drop it before it is able to reach it’s proper resting place,
2) BB-OP was out taking a walk, independent of a dog or owner and lost it’s way,
3) Someone(s) is/are not so clear on the Blue Bag’s true destiny and the reason it came to this world, instructions for which are as follows:
- Pick up pooh with Blue Bag thereby protecting your hands and the feet of future walkers
- Deposit said blue bag in the closest garbage can or keep walking until you find a garbage can (in the case of these photos – three feet)
- Ultimately this will lead the Blue Bag to it’s True Destiny and it will no longer be forced to take the desperate measure of throwing itself beneath the tires of parking cars
Consider it a movement, a social imperative, a calling, or at minimum, a courtesy to your neighbors in Bernalwood…
PHOTOS: Feral bags of Dog Poop, by Neighbor Carlina
Neighbor Michelle reports that her home on Highland Ave. has been besieged by a relentless army of invading snails:
Last night I went out to the garage to do my laundry (in true Bernalwood style this means going out the front door to get to the garage), and discovered this S.L.O.W. invasion of my home in progress.
Either that or they’re lined up to watch slug races up and down the street!
Follow that mucus-trail!
PHOTO: Neighbor Michelle
Neighbor Orlando has issued an all-points-bulletin seeking help to recover a chicken that has gone missing in the area of Folsom and Ripley streets near the summit of Bernal Hill:
My neighbor Rick who lives across the street from me in the place better known as the “farmhouse mansion,” (yes the one built in 1870) lost a white chicken, size small. Please, would you kindly announce the loss and if anyone finds it they can ring my doorbell and I will handle it from there.
Alternatively, if you have seen the bird that flew the coop, you can contact the Bernalwood Lost Poultry Hotline at bernalwood at gmail dot com.
UPDATE: Stand down, citizens! Neighbor Mark recovered the wayward chicken.
PHOTO: Typical white chicken courtesy of Scorpions and Centaurs
Speaking of how to deal with things you find on the street, The Bold Italic steers us toward this hilarious AND helpful parody video created by the San Francisco SPCA:
The SF SPCA recently recently made this funny spoof of Portlandia. Its video, Catlandia, is all about the SF SPCA’s trap-neuter-return program for feral cats. Besides teaching us how we can help prevent more feral kittehs from popping up on SF streets (and shelters), the video also pokes fun at San Franciscans’ obsessions with texting, localism, artisanal cheeses, recycling, urban beekeeping, and more. Well done, SPCA.
Bernalwood seconds the well done.
Bernalwood 