Dana made an important celebrity discovery:
Sounds very glamorous. Since Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, we can’t read her lips. But listen carefully, and I think you’ll hear her say, “Rosebud.”
PHOTO: @dipdanadip
Found Things
Kid Capitalists Create Delicious Popup Juice Stand
Who needs Odwalla or Naked Juice when we’ve got Clara, Audrey, Hannah, and Esme?
And why pay three-plus bucks for a factory-produced bottle of glop shipped in from godknowswhere, when you can pay just 25 cents for an all-natural cup of delicious fruit punch made by hand, with love, here in our own neighborhood? Seriously!
Last weekend, on Ellsworth just off Cortland, I sampled the beverages created by a gaggle of girls from the Bernal Heights Junior Capitalist Collaborative, which they offered for sale exclusively through their popup sidewalk distribution facility.
I have no idea what was in their top-secret recipe, but I do know for sure that it was packed full of yum. And watermelon. I’d say their business prospects are good, so long as they can avoid sampling too much of the merchandise:
PHOTOS: Telstar Logistics
Giant Bugs from Alien Planet Return to Bernalwood
Neighbor Regina is a new Bernal Heights resident. She IM’d me yesterday in a deep panic from her home on Folsom. Here is a transcript of our exchange:
Regina: holy sh*t balls i found an alien
Regina: on our street
Todd Lappin: Take a pic!
Regina: it’s a grashopper/ ant/ roach about three inches long
Regina: i’ve never seen anything like it
Todd Lappin: Oh, I know what that is…
Regina: it’s in a jar
Regina: I AM FREAKING OUT
Todd Lappin: Looks like this? https://bernalwood.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/winter-creeps-in/
Todd Lappin: Same?
Todd Lappin: Take a pic!
Regina: yes
Regina: omg
Regina: i am going going to die
Regina: it’s in a jar
Regina: dead
Todd Lappin: Photo! Photo!
Regina: i am screaming
Regina: i just died
Good times. And indeed, now that the autumn Arachnid Invasion has subsided, it’s time again for the Extraterrestrial Migration of the Giant Jerusalem Crickets (or “Potato Bugs,” as they’re sometimes called in California).
Bernalwood posted about these creatures almost exactly a year ago, and as poor Regina discovered… they’re baaaaaaaaaaaack.
Here’s a Wikipedia photo of a healthier specimen:
And right behind the Jersusalem Crickets, we know who will be visiting next…
PHOTO: Top, Neighbor Regina
Skateboarders Grab Big Air in Bernalwood
While the national fitness media was fascinated by Bernal’s fascination with our bikini-clad jogger (or worse), the underground-enthusiast media was busy filming a skateboard shoot elsewhere here in our mediagenic neighborhood.
Photojourno at-large Adrian Mendoza stumbled upon the scene:
Out for a walk today on Bernal Heights, came across a film crew documenting 3 skaters as they were coming down the sidewalk on Ripley Street at Alabama Avenue, dodging the occasional pedestrian and Muni bus.
Compared to jogging, this ride looks vastly more friction-free:
PHOTOS: Adrian Mendoza
Bernal “Bikini Jogger” Spawns Terrifying Speedo Imitator
We just received this photo in the Bernalwood Newsroom. As you can see, Bernal’s Bikini Jogger has spawned an unfortunate Speedo-clad imitator. Our tipster says:
I don’t know who it was but he caused the white balance meter in my camera to break.
Noooooooooooooooooo! Let’s hope this doesn’t become a trend.
PHOTO: Mason Kirby
“Bikini Jogger” Micro-Interview: It’s All About the Tan
BREAKING NEWS!
The Bikini Jogger was spotted this morning at extremely close range — close enough for her to notice that a harried-looking woman (a.k.a. this reporter) with child in tow wanted to talk to her. Here’s how it went:
Bernalwood: Hey, hi! What are you training for?
Bikini Jogger: Oh, I do various athletic events, like half-marathons.
Bernalwood: And… why the bikini?
Bikini Jogger: I don’t want a farmer’s tan!
So there you have it. I didn’t ask her name or take a photo (kicking myself about the latter), in part because I wanted to keep it more neighborly and less paparazzi. Also, I prefer to have the mystery continue!
PHOTO: Bikini Jogger sighting by Mason Kirby, this morning
Elusive “Bikini Jogger” Enlivens, Perplexes Bernal Heights
Bernal's mysterious Bikini Jogger, after conquering Elsie Street one chilly September morning.
In the Pacific Northwest, they have Sasquatch. The Yeti is said to stalk the Himalayas. In Scotland, searchers seek the Loch Ness Monster. And of course, Ahab had his white whale. Here in Bernal Heights, we also have an elusive creature that is the object of much fascination and conjecture: The Bikini Jogger.
Necks are sore on the west and north slopes of Bernal Hill as residents do double-takes upon capturing a glimpse of the fit and fierce morning jogger as she works through her intense fitness regime.
The fact that she seems to eat the steep grades of Elsie and Stoneman for breakfast is impressive enough, but the truly remarkable (and much remarked upon) thing is that she does so in the better part of her birthday suit. Even on cold, cloudy days, this Wonder Woman look-alike is clad in nothing but a bikini and sneakers.
Jogging appears to be just part of her regimen. When this reporter tried to interview her on the corner of Stoneman and Folsom streets last month, she was doing a set of burpees, with earphones cranked up high. (Which might explain the failure of said interview. Also, I was in my car.)
In a recent Bernalwood post, commenter Julie Lagarde offered that she has seen the athlete jumping rope. And that the Bikini Jogger used to wear flip-flops!
Who is this beach-ready iron woman? Perspiring and perplexed minds want to know!
UPDATE: Reader Brandon sends along this photo from another recent Bikini Jogger sighting:
Brandon writes:
I took this on October 16th on Eugenia, just west of Bocana. I was walking home from Cortland up Bocana, and found her approaching me from the other side of Eugenia. She turned in front of me, and I recognized that this was probably my best opportunity after several failed attempts to catch a pic from the car when I came across her. What’s interesting to me is that by the time I got to Coso, she was still only about a block ahead of me, despite her running and my walking. On the way down Elsie, I saw a couple come out of their house to watch her run by. We had a brief chat about the phenomenon of the Bikini Jogger, and they were equally bemused!
UPDATE 2: Stop the presses!! Bernalwood has conducted an exclusive micro-interview with the Bikini Jogger!
PHOTOS: Top, Aaron Ximm. Below, Reader Brandon
Wicked Witch Meets Sudden Demise in Pre-Halloween Crash
Tragedy struck on a recent evening in Bernal Heights when a wicked witch perished in an aeronautical mishap. Neighbors reported hearing the witch cackling as she flew on her signature broom, before her cruel taunt was cut short by an apparent pilot error that sent the witch careening into a telephone pole at the corner of Anderson and Eugenia.
“I heard the whole thing,” recalls neighbor Dorothy Oz. “I heard the witch cry, ‘I’ll get you my pretty, and your little do—‘ But she never finished the sentence. I just heard a whooshing noise, and a dull thud, and then we found the witch wrapped around the pole.”
Representatives from the San Francisco Police, the National Transportation Safety Board, and the Department of Homeland Security are investigating the incident, which has preliminarily been deemed an accident, although experts will also search for any evidence of foul play.
Upon hearing the news, neighborhood youth responded with glee, and at several local elementary schools, teachers report that children spontaneously started to sing the chorus of “Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead” over and over and over and over again.
PHOTO: Telstar Logistics
WTF? Ugly Pile of Trash Dumped on Bernal Hill Reminds Us That Such Ugliness Was Once Very Common
Reader Tony, who captured this grim photo on the north side of Bernal Hill on Sunday morning, asks:
WTF? Too poor to pay the dump fee, so we dump it @ Bernal Hill? What’s SF coming to?
WTF is right. (CUE: Crying Indian) But if there is a bright side to the tale, it is that this pile of trash stands out as a relatively rare anomaly. Indeed, this wretched scene is less an indicator of what SF is coming to, than a reminder of how far it as come. After all, not all that long ago, Bernal Hill was routinely used as a dump.
Consider this recollection by Jerry Schimmel about what Bernal Heights Boulevard was like during the 1960s and early 1970s:
The hill was actually a large open wasteland under nominal purview of the Department of Public Works, known by most as DPW. The west and east quarries were in regular use as auxiliary dumps by citizens too cheap, poor, or lazy to pay for hauling or couldn’t manage the drive to Beatty Avenue.
Neighborhood residents were among the offenders, if not the worst. I remember Gloria Jiunti at 44 Mullen Avenue once sounding off about a load of worn car parts: “Aw, take it up on the hill and dump it!” And her attitude was not uncommon.
Like the quarries, the roadside verge was and still is an easy place to leave anything from a stained, lumpy mattress to the aromatic leftovers of Saturday night’s blowout. Some dumpers put their trash behind the guardrail (and still do) in a guilty effort to hide it, making it that much harder to retrieve.
In 1966, street sweepers made regular trips to keep the boulevard clear, but in order to get a really big mess hauled away from the quarries, several residents simultaneously had to put the screws on DPW’s Army Street office.
So as grim as this weekend’s trash dump was, the fact that it is so unusual, and attracted so much scorn, is actually a sign of progress. That said, when I drove around Bernal Hill on Monday night, the big trash pile was still there. Ew. Looks like someone needs to put the screws to 311.
PHOTOS: Top, Reader Tony. Historic photos, Jerry Schimmel via Found SF
Mystery Bernal Heights Bugler Blows Horn Before Sunrise
Reader Chris says he has been awakened a bit earlier than usual lately:
Our north slope micro hood on Mullen has experienced a not unpleasant new early morning ritual: Taps, or at least a bugle announcing the arrival of morning, starting at around 5:30am, and repeating about every 15 minutes for a half-hour. Although vaguely military, this short, plaintive version has the intended “announcement” feel and a soft free-form tone that’s so very appropriate for our little enclave.
That’s all I know.
Yesterday Reader Alicia heard it with a Jewish accent:
Around 5:30am this morning I heard someone blowing a shofar… Do you know anything about this? Didn’t see anything on Bernalwood, but thought you might be a good resource for an answer!
So what exactly does it sound like? Listen in, because Reader Chris captured a brief recording (click the arrow to play):
http://telstarlogistics.com/sounds/BernalBugle.mp3%20Have you heard it too?
PHOTO: Sunrise from east Bernal on October 17, 2011, by Dona LaVallee
Shoe Fairy Visits Bernal Heights Resident
Reader Nina was visited by a veeeeery special guest this week: The Bernal Heights Shoe Fairy! Let her tell the tale:
I was visited by the Bernal Shoe Fairy a few nights ago.
I was pushing the stroller out the front door when I noticed a pair of shoes in a plastic bag, securely closed with a rubber band, placed gently in my stoop planter box. They were hot pink, which actually matches my hair color right now. I thought it was a strange coincidence. I was not surprised, however, to find such a random thing at my doorstep, as people are always leaving things in front of my house. Bits of pottery in the other planters, used condoms, random bits of clothing, you know, whatever. There was a funeral going on at the church next door, so I thought maybe someone from the church just wanted to stow the shoes there until after the service.
So I left the shoes alone overnight, expecting the owner to come back for them by the morning. Lo and behold, the shoes were still there this morning. My curiosity increased. My husband said “it’s garbage night, just toss them out”, but they looked like decent shoes. I can’t just throw out a pair of shoes. Suede, hot pink, booties with a mini heel, looked in good condition. I was starting to think that it was not a coincidence that these shoes were left on my door step. I decided to bring the shoes in for a closer inspection.
PRADA. Someone left a gently used pair of PRADAS at my door! It’s gotta be the shoe fairy, right?
Only problem is that the shoe fairy got my size wrong. These are labeled a 36, which translates (thank you, Google) into a US 5.5 or 6. No way can I squeeze my giant post-baby feet into these beauties.
I write to you, Bernalwood, both to thank the shoe fairy publicly for thinking of me (I do, actually, need a pair of hot pink shoes for a wedding this weekend, if they had been the right size this would have truly been a magical gift), and to see if anyone else out there is a size 36 and in need of some hot kicks.
Muffy the Wolverine Needs a New Home
Reader Esther spotted this handbill on the Good Life bulletin board. A kid-friendly wolverine that loves W.C Fields movies and behaves very well during new moons? What’s not to like?! Cattle prod, bear trap, and steel-reinforced camper shell sold separately.
PHOTO: Reader Esther
Creepy Pentagram Triggers Mirth, Media Frenzy, and Tales of Animal Sacrifice (Pretty Much in That Order)
After Bernalwood (ahem!) broke the story last week about a creepy pentagram found on Bernal Hill that was still dripping with unholy ritualistic ooze, a rather predictable media frenzy ensued. The SFWeekly picked up on the story, suggesting it may have something to do with practices associated with the Santeria religion (although, apparently, Santarians aren’t into pentagrams). Then KTVU sent over a talking head to do a video segment on the incident, spicing it up with tales of animal sacrifice and concerns about pet safety:
Those who first spotted it Wednesday morning told KTVU they came across something even more eerie than just the painted symbol.
“A cross with pure blood there and black candles at each of the ends of the cross,” said Beatrice, a Bernal Heights resident. “And there was a bird, it was dead and full of blood too.”
Two longtime dog walkers told KTVU they believe the park has long been a site for animal sacrifice with cat and chicken parts occasionally dug up by dogs.
“They find goat heads and birds, mostly birds and rabbits and things like that,” said Michael Murphy, a dog walker. “The dogs dig them up because they bury them, they wrap them up in cloths or whatever.”
Murphy said he’s even found the severed heads of squirrels and pigeons left hanging in trees.
San Francisco Recreation and Parks officials said they were shocked to hear about the pentagram and said it’s unclear whether this has occurred before.
Dog walkers said the unusual activities at the park, high above the city, puts other animals at risk.
KTVU won’t let us embed their video, but you can watch it here.
Absent any more tangible facts, however, it’s only a matter of time until someone claims they have been turned into a newt. In the meantime, you can rest easy, because Park and Rec has covered over the pentagram with a thick coat of Satan-sealant paint:
And Reader Jay wonders:
Did their summoning ritual succeed? Does some cloven-foot demon now stalk Bernalwood? Will he dress in vintage clothing? Be spotted at a garage sale? Feast on the denizens of La Lengua before returning to Hades?
Of course, when that happens, we’ll send over our own satellite truck to investigate.
“Reporting live from Bernal Heights, this is Bernalwood Action News!”
PHOTOS: Telstar Logistics
Bernalwood 