Satanists Conduct Unholy Ritual on Bernal Hill!

August 18, 2011August 18, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 34 Comments

When Agent Amy from the BIA went for a walk on Bernal Hill late yesterday afternoon, she discovered fresh evidence of unholy activities by Satanists in our midst. She says:

I saw this brand-spanking new pentagram at the top of Bernal Hill. The paint’s still wet! In the center there’s a red paper goat, but also charred goo and drip marks suggesting some mysterious satanic gore. At the points of the pentagram are playing cards and melted black candles.

And leading away from the pentagram, the cloven hoof-prints of Lucifer himself? Also in photo: An innocent three-year old, for scale.

Yikes. Frankly, I have no idea what to make of this.

Also, I admit that as soon as I saw Agent Amy’s photos of the pentagram, I pictured that old album cover by Rush, and “Tom Sawyer” began playing in my head. But that may just be a generational thing…

PHOTOS: Agent Amy

Neighbor Aretha Needs an Affordable Room to Rent

August 17, 2011August 16, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 11 Comments

I came home last night to find a handwritten envelope waiting for me on my front doorstep.

Inside was a note from Neighbor Aretha, who says she’s lived here for 20+ years. She has to move, but she wants to stay in Bernal Heights, so she’s on the hunt for an affordable room to rent. And like a true Bernal native, she chose a resourceful-but-polite way to solicit help from her neighbors.

I don’t have a room, but I do have a megaphone. So here are the details (click to embiggen)…

Some modest digging also revealed a Craigslist posting, which adds that she’s a 21 year-old recent SF State grad. Then there’s the clincher: “I love SF and plan to stay here for a long time, and there is no place more special to me than our neighborhood around Bernal Hill.”

If you know of a room available with “modest rent” for a “hard-working girl in [the] home-searching business,” kindly dial your Neighbor Aretha via the email address on your screen.

Naked Ladies Spotted on Precita!

August 8, 2011August 8, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 3 Comments

Oh my. Reader Leslie photographed these Naked Ladies in full exhibitionist mode last weekend. She saw them while they were waving their business around on the traffic island at Precita and Alabama. Also known as Amaryllis, these lovelies only show off their stuff in August, so gawk now before they cover up again.

PHOTO: Reader Leslie

Instrument-Headed Mutants Invade South Bernal

August 4, 2011August 3, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 3 Comments

I spied these two instrument-headed mutants strolling down the street in South Bernal last weekend. Let’s call them Mr. Keyboard and Mr. Peavey. They seemed harmless enough, but it’s just fortunate they weren’t plugged in. I half-expected to see someone with a Stratocaster or hi-hat head walking right behind them.

And for all you videogame-addicted kiddies out there, let this serve as a warning: Step away from Rock Band and Guitar Hero, or you could end up just like these people.

PHOTO: Telstar Logistics

Poultry Alert!! Did You Lose This Chicken? A Neighbor Found It.

August 3, 2011August 3, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 10 Comments

This one definitely goes in the “Oh-So Bernalwood” file. Just moments ago the Bernalwood newsroom received an email from Reader Penny, who writes…

I would appreciate it if you could post something about a lost chicken which my husband found early this morning on the North side of Bernal Hill. Above Waltham. We have it in our care. Looks to be a Rhode Island Red.

If this chicken is yours, please chime in with a comment below, and we will gladly put you in touch with Penny. Note also: The photo above is just a generic photo of a Rhode Island Red, and NOT the actual found chicken. UPDATE: Penny sent in a photo of the chicken she found, and it now appears above.

PHOTO: Found chicken, by Reader Penny

Bougainvillea Explosion on Crescent and Folsom

August 3, 2011August 2, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 3 Comments

No Photoshop retouching or color-enhancement here; This is a straight-from-the-camera photo of an intensely colorful Bougainvillea on Crescent Street that’s currently broadcasting to the entire neighborhood in intense, Technicolor purple.

Strap on your sunglasses as we zoom in for a closer look… if you dare:

Whoooooa.

PHOTOS: Telstar Logistics

Bernal’s Best 24 Hour Donut Shop and Cocktail Bar Invades FiDi

August 2, 2011August 2, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 26 Comments

Reader Sarah snapped this photo of a painting that hangs inside the lobby of 555 California — aka The Bank of America Building. Perhaps it was put there to remind the suits who work in 555 Cali what life is like on the gritty side of the tracks? Meanwhile, I confess that the Silver Crest is sufficiently gritty that I have yet to cross it off my “Meaning to Try Someday” list. Stay tuned.

PHOTO: Courtesy of Reader Sarah

Construction, Limited Parking On Bennington Expected to Last Pretty Much Forever

July 27, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 4 Comments

David Spector shared this photo of a construction zone/no parking sign that’s been in place on Bennington near Cortland for at least a year… and apparently, there’s no end in sight.

PHOTO: dhmspector

Some Useful Services Offered via the Good Life Bulletin Board

July 21, 2011July 20, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 5 Comments

My my… There are so many handy service providers available via the bulletin board outside the Good Life grocery on Cortland! For example, you can sign up to learn guitar in a variety of neighborhood-appropriate styles from the teacher above.

Or, you can learn the harmonica. Even better, maybe you can learn guitar and harmonica at the same time, to master that Bob Dylan/Neil Young singer-songwriter schtick that requires playing both instruments simultaneously.

Or perhaps your needs are deeper and more spiritually complicated? In which case, you may have need for a hypnoterapist. And really, what could be better than a hypnotherapy referral that came from a handbill tacked to the front of your neighborhood grocery store?

Ah yes, but in the end, the joke is on me. Because when I walked down the block to Four Star Video, I saw this handbill inside. A discount couples therapist who advertises on a bulletin board at the neighborhood video store? Apparently, such services are very much in demand:

PHOTOS: Telstar Logistics

Historic, Mysterious Fizzy Drink Bottle Found In Bernal Home

July 21, 2011July 21, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 38 Comments

Here’s a fizzy little mystery for all you armchair consumer-product sleuths and local history enthusiasts. Neighbor Brent explains how this colorful bottle came into his possession:

Maybe you and your crack team of City researchers can provide information about the City Bottling Company of San Francisco?

The joy of homeownership: leaks. To combat a leak in our house, we’re replacing some siding. Yesterday, when removing the siding from one of our walls, our contractors found a bottle inside the wall. The bottle is for “City Club Cola”, and the label reads at the bottom, “Made and Distributed by City Bottling Co. San Francisco, Calif”.

A simple (but not exhaustive) search on Google found no references to the cola or the bottling company. We figure it could date back to 1945, when the house was built. Maybe your crack team of researchers, or your readers, can solve our mini-mystery!

I’m curious about something that was San Francisco made and distributed, and wonder if the bottle really dates from 1945. I mean, the label is in decent condition considering that it could be 66 years old!

Let the historical geekery and barroom hypothesizing begin!

PHOTO: Neighbor Brent

Uppity La Lenguans Seek to Brainwash Unsuspecting Motorists

July 14, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 5 Comments

Oh, you know how it is with those people in La Lengua. They try to make every little thing a political statement here in our otherwise glamorous and complacently vapid neighborhood. As if de facto territorial autonomy and free Slurpees at their new 7-Eleven weren’t enough, the La Lenguans are now attempting to brainwash unsuspecting motorists with their neo-psychedelic separatist ideology.

Consider this affront, which was spotted this week at the corner of Guerrero and 28th Street. It seems the La Lengua Revolutionary Propaganda Front (LaLeRevPropFro) has appropriated an official City traffic control device to disseminate a mind-altering message intended to further the La Lengua cause. Sheeeesh!

PHOTO: Telstar Logistsics

Blackberry Alert!! Blackberry Alert!! Blackberry Alert!!

June 30, 2011 / Todd_Lappin / 3 Comments

Fellow Bernalwoodians, we have our first Blackberry Alert of the season.

Reader Leslie sent along this photo, which was taken at approximately 6:54 this morning. She reports the blackberries were spotted in a bramble alongside Folsom Street, at the foot of the park portion of the Hill. Leslie said “the texture was firm and the flavor was tart, but still delicious,” adding that “it’s not a full situation yet, but definitely worth watching.”