Bernal Native and Smarty-Pants Political Comic Performs Tonight in Oakland

Our sources at the Bernal Heights Parents Club tell us that Bernal native and Bay Area comic luminary Nato Green – whom writer Lemony Snicket has likened to “finding a shot of bourbon at your co-worker’s stupid vegan potluck” – is doing stand-up at the New Parish in Oakland at 7 and 9 tonight (and recording the performances for his first comedy album).

You can read more about Green and his roots in union organizing in this East Bay Express article; it sounds like Green could be a good antidote to all the outrage we’re feeling over the Great Bernal Dumping Epidemic. Plus, for all the moms and dads out there, rumor has it there will be jokes about being a San Francisco parent. Tickets ($12-$15) available here.

Pint-Size Easter Egg Hunter-Gatherers Invade Holly Park

The Easter Bunny eggs on three poachers.

At 10 a.m. sharp on Easter Sunday, the madding crowd could be constrained no longer. “Go!” a voice rang out.

And with that, Holly Park was engulfed in a sea of pastel-clad marauders. Unabashedly abetted by their parents, the young hunter-gatherers snatched up dozens upon dozens of defenseless, brightly colored Easter eggs, easily discerning their cleverly camouflaged nesting sites scattered throughout the rugged terrain’s grasses, tree trunks, and wood chips.

A mere 15 minutes later, not a single egg remained.

How, one wonders, can this species continue to propagate year after year?  Equally perplexing is why there were not just one but two Easter Bunnies on the scene this year. Are these mysteries connected?

I couldn’t get a straight answer out of either Bunny regarding the eggs, but here’s what they said in regards to their presence:

Easter Bunny #1: “We rabbits have a proclivity for multiplication. Also, there’s so much work to do—there are sooo many kids.”

Easter Bunny #2: “I’m having a bit of split personality today.”

Regardless, this video captures the mayhem as it unfolded on Sunday morning:

PHOTO: Bronwyn Ximm

Christmas Carolers Light Up Virginia Street, Demand Figgy Pudding

Carolers visit a house on Elsie Street.

’Twas the week before Christmas, the kids were in bed, when all of a sudden, my dear husband said, “Hey, is there, like, someone singing carols outside?”

Indeed, there was! From our front porch we spied a couple dozen carolers, faux candles in hand, fa-la-la-ing a house down the hill from us on Virginia Street. It was quite the touching tableau.

Away to the scene I flew like a flash… and managed to micro-interview the organizer of the merry band. As it turns out, that person is none other than my neighbor Vail, famous around these parts for her gregarious cat Bill.

Bernalwood: Hey, this is great! How long have you been doing this?

Neighbor Vail: About 25 years, I think. My son is 32 now, and we started when he was 5 or something. We’d put a bow on our dog, and we took him around too. We just decided it would be a fun thing to keep doing. Different people come every year as we get more friends.

Bernalwood: Can I come next year?

Neighbor Vail: Yes, absolutely. Come right now!

… and so I did for a bit, singing with my across-the-street neighbor and his lovely young daughter on one side of me, and the youngest caroler in the bunch, one baby Rio, on the other. And yea verily, my heart was filled with joy and gladness.

In case you didn’t manage to catch Virginia Street Carolers, here’s a tiny bit of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” (I wish it were longer, but my battery was dying), sung on the corner of Virginia and Eugenia. Never mind the differing factions on the figgy-pudding lyric – “bring it right here,” “bring it right now” – whatever, it’s clear this crowd is serious when it comes to holiday merriment!

Paper Thief Piques Patron of the Printed Word

"Buy your own paper" sign

Most of us spend so much time in front of screens these days that newspapers are starting to seem downright quaint. Which is why this sign, spotted recently on Eugenia,  filled my heart with sadness and made me yearn for sunny Sundays of yore, when I would linger over the New York Times with a big mug of coffee.

Surely a Bernalwood denizen who is committed to carving out the time to get his or her fingers smudged on the Sunday Times — someone, moreover, who uses “whomever” correctly — (even if he or she, like this writer, needs to review the “whoever” vs. “whomever” rule) should not be deprived of this pleasure. It’s all the news that’s fit to print, not pilfer.

Micro-Interview: Thanksgiving Day at the Good Life

A last-minute scramble for a pie tin (grasshopper pie… mmmmm!) occasioned a Thanksgiving Day visit to the Good Life Grocery. The perfect excuse for a micro-interview!

Bernalwood: Anything been flying off the shelves today?

Manager Frank: Turkeys! The owners picked up these organic Willie Birds from the farm themselves. Also, bread. Our deli staff is baking fresh bread on-site now.

Bernalwood: How crazy has it been today?

Manager Frank: Not too bad. Yesterday was waaaaay worse!

Happy Thanksgiving, Bernal Heights!

 

“Bikini Jogger” Micro-Interview: It’s All About the Tan

BREAKING NEWS!

The Bikini Jogger was spotted this morning at extremely close range — close enough for her to notice that a harried-looking woman (a.k.a. this reporter) with child in tow wanted to talk to her. Here’s how it went:

Bernalwood: Hey, hi! What are you training for?

Bikini Jogger: Oh, I do various athletic events, like half-marathons.

Bernalwood: And… why the bikini?

Bikini Jogger: I don’t want a farmer’s tan!

So there you have it. I didn’t ask her name or take a photo (kicking myself about the latter), in part because I wanted to keep it more neighborly and less paparazzi. Also, I prefer to have the mystery continue!

PHOTO: Bikini Jogger sighting by Mason Kirby, this morning

Elusive “Bikini Jogger” Enlivens, Perplexes Bernal Heights

Bernalwood's mysterious bikini jogger

Bernal's mysterious Bikini Jogger, after conquering Elsie Street one chilly September morning.

In the Pacific Northwest, they have Sasquatch. The Yeti is said to stalk the Himalayas. In Scotland, searchers seek the Loch Ness Monster. And of course, Ahab had his white whale. Here in Bernal Heights, we also have an elusive creature that is the object of much fascination and conjecture: The Bikini Jogger.

Necks are sore on the west and north slopes of Bernal Hill as residents do double-takes upon capturing a glimpse of the fit and fierce morning jogger as she works through her intense fitness regime.

The fact that she seems to eat the steep grades of Elsie and Stoneman for breakfast is impressive enough, but the truly remarkable (and much remarked upon) thing is that she does so in the better part of her birthday suit. Even on cold, cloudy days, this Wonder Woman look-alike is clad in nothing but a bikini and sneakers.

Jogging appears to be just part of her regimen. When this reporter tried to interview her on the corner of Stoneman and Folsom streets last month, she was doing a set of burpees, with earphones cranked up high. (Which might explain the failure of said interview. Also, I was in my car.)

In a recent Bernalwood post, commenter Julie Lagarde offered that she has seen the athlete jumping rope. And that the Bikini Jogger used to wear flip-flops!

Who is this beach-ready iron woman? Perspiring and perplexed minds want to know!

UPDATE: Reader Brandon sends along this photo from another recent Bikini Jogger sighting:

Brandon writes:

I took this on October 16th on Eugenia, just west of Bocana. I was walking home from Cortland up Bocana, and found her approaching me from the other side of Eugenia. She turned in front of me, and I recognized that this was probably my best opportunity after several failed attempts to catch a pic from the car when I came across her. What’s interesting to me is that by the time I got to Coso, she was still only about a block ahead of me, despite her running and my walking. On the way down Elsie, I saw a couple come out of their house to watch her run by. We had a brief chat about the phenomenon of the Bikini Jogger, and they were equally bemused!

UPDATE 2: Stop the presses!! Bernalwood has conducted an exclusive micro-interview with the Bikini Jogger!

PHOTOS: Top, Aaron Ximm. Below, Reader Brandon

Name That Spider (and Don’t Get Caught in Its Web)!

OK, all you arachnologists out there, I’m sure one of you can identify this beauty that’s been taking over Bernalwood with a vengeance this Halloween season.

We’ve taken to calling ours Shelob because of her large girth, curtain-like webs that stretch across whole sidewalks, and uncanny resemblance to the famous arachnid from Lord of the Rings:

I’m thinking cross spider… only I can’t find the cross. In any case, here’s hoping she didn’t ensnare too many trick-or-treaters!

EDITOR’S NOTE: I’ve been besieged by spiders too, only my backyard companions clearly wear a cross:

PHOTOS: Top, Bronwyn Ximm. Bottom, Telstar Logistics

Tonight! Buy Chicken John’s Book, Help Save His Space for ‘Odd and Unlikely Artworks’

On Cesar Chavez Street near Mission, there’s a prominent mural on a jaunty red building that shouts advice to all passers-by: “Fail…to WIN!”

That slogan is the subtitle of The Book of the IS, a new book written by the building’s owner, Chicken John Rinaldi.

I’ve read it, and I was genuinely inspired by its rallying cry to embrace the “Is” — that which “allows and accepts and laughs and courts” — and reject the “Un,” which “prevents and contains and moderates and disdains.”

The key to pulling off this trick? Don’t be afraid to fail. “The minute we’re as comfortable with failing,” Rinaldi writes, “as we are with winning — the moment we’re in it for the experience and not the victory lap — is the moment we’re free.”

A showman provocateur whose multifarious capers have increased the colorfulness of our city and Bernalwood in particular (anyone remember the Odeon Bar?), Chicken John’s most recent claim to fame is his (failed) mayoral campaign in 2007.

But for the past five years or so, he has quietly put on all manner of interesting artistic and cultural events ­— oracular Q&A salons, trapeze classes, puppet shows, mayoral debates, you name it — at 3359 Cesar Chavez Street, the aforementioned jaunty red building. Quietly as in, you know, lacking all the permits and stuff.

That space is now at a crossroads, and Chicken John needs help. He needs you to buy his awesome book, either online at bookoftheis.com or, preferably, in person tonight, Sept. 30, 7 p.m.-2 a.m., at a spectacular free event at 111 Minna and the surrounding block (the street will be closed to accommodate over 100 performers and god knows what kind of mayhem).

Did we mention that the book is an objet d’art? And that 550 of the 2,500 copies in existence sport handmade slip covers by renowned street artist Swoon as well as a smattering of local artists? You can even choose (for a slightly higher price) to have your book include a coupon worth one “anything,” redeemable directly from Chicken John. “It’s gonna kill me,” he says, “but I’m serious about it. I will do anything to save the warehouse.”

If he can raise the dough, Chicken John will be able to (a) keep his warehouse and (b) make an honest art space out of it via the nonprofit he created: the San Francisco Institute for Possibility. “We want to champion odd and unlikely artworks,” he says. “There is so much cool stuff that wants to happen there that I have to pass on because we are just not legal enough. Together, we can put the warehouse’s problems away and focus on doing shows, manufacturing culture, and battling the onslaught of mediocrity.”

Hear, hear! Help the man fail at failure.

PHOTO: Neil Berrett

2011 Bernal Hill Blackberry Crop a Sorry Sight

For months we’ve been hungrily eyeing that prodigious patch of blackberry bushes near the parking lot at the entrance of Bernal Hill Park. After all, what says “It’s summer on Bernal Hill” more than picking and munching your own blackberries while admiring the view of the bay?

But alas, it’s been the same thing since June: lots of unripe red berries, plus a smattering of still-unripe black ones. A recent visit revealed that a considerable percentage of the fruits have shriveled up. We’ve been hoping against hope that for some wacky reason, this year’s crop is simply taking its own sweet time. But the above shot was taken on Labor Day, so our hope is withering on the vine. Whither shall we go?

PHOTO: Aaron Ximm

Wait, Bernal Yoga Instructors Are Undercover Cops? Huh?

For weeks this ad, plastered on the side of Bernal Yoga and adjacent to the Good Life parking lot, has been causing Bernalwood residents to scratch their heads. Clearly it was intended for an actual highway billboard that a police car could theoretically hide behind.

But yesterday’s post about the Good Life parking lot cleared it all up. In the comments, reader Charlene shared this incident:

A little local not-so-neighborly behavior in the Good Life parking lot yesterday afternoon: a guy standing in front of a woman’s car, barring her from parking in the Good Life parking space closest to Cortland. He had abandoned his car in the middle of Andover, and claimed she had cut him off from the space he had been waiting for. She was not moving.

Clearly it is gettin’ real in the Good Life parking lot. The “cop” mentioned in the ad must refer to whoever is teaching class at Bernal Yoga on the other side of the wall. Let’s hope that these “dharma police” are up to the task of getting would-be shoppers to take a chill pill. As our friend Joe used to say, “Take it slow.”

Bernal Succulent Thief Really Sucks

Keep an eye on your yards, everyone. A western slope resident reports that someone recently hacked off a number of the large succulents she had been lovingly tending in her front yard for the past five years.

“This reminded me of when I lived in the Mission and my next-door neighbors had chained and padlocked their front doormat to their house,” she said. “I can relate now.”

It’s not the first time Bernalwood has been hit by larcenous pruning. Seven months ago, flyers were posted around the neighborhood by another horticulturist victim. As Joe Eskenazi reported in SF Weekly’s blog The Snitch, Ingleside Police Station Captain Louis Cassenego noted succulent thefts in both Bernal and the Excelsior in his “Captain’s Message” to the public:

“If you see a stranger in your or your neighbor’s front yard in the middle of the night, it would be advisable to call the police and have an officer check it out,” writes Cassanego. “Many residents take pride in their yards and put in many hours of hard work, so let’s help them out.”

Still true now.

PHOTO: Bronwyn Ximm

Dude, Share My Car

Need a car? Live in Bernalwood? Maybe you should take my neighbor’s Scion xD, which is currently parked on Virginia Avenue near Winfield. It’ll run you just eight bucks an hour, which includes gas, insurance, and 20 miles/hour.

Such transactions used to be illegal, but no more, thanks to a recent state law. As a result, companies like RelayRides, which facilitate peer-to-peer car sharing, are sprouting up like daisies (or, rather, goldfields) this year. Similar outfits include Spride Share and Getaround (which even has a Tesla Roadster available).

It’s a great way to use four wheels when you need them, without actually owning a car—a win for both you and the environment! Or, if you have a vehicle but you bike to work from Bernal, leaving your ride parked for hours at a time, it’s potentially a great way to offset some of the costs of ownership.

I say “potentially” because peer-to-peer car sharing is still a relatively new phenemenon, and things could get hairy when it comes to owners’ liability for losses that occur when others use their car.

For more on that, as well as more details on how peer-to-peer car sharing works, read my post on Wallet Mouth.

PHOTO: Bronwyn Ximm