How does a 400-foot hilltop play hide-and-seek? It happens when you least expect it — like, say, at the checkout line in the Mission Safeway. As you stand there, fumbling with the credit card swipe-thingy, you look up through the windows and notice Bernal Hill sunbathing overhead. Peekaboo!
PHOTO: Telstar Logistics
There’s a lot to love in this brand-new and (until now) undiscovered video by Stefano Caprile and Alejandra Cano announcing the opening of a Lomography gallery in San Francisco, but hats off to the location scout for making Bernal Hill look so good. (PS: Loved the ending.)
If there are two things Bernalwood boasts in spades, it’s creative types and kids. One of the former, six-year hill resident Aaron Ximm — my husband! — officially became a capital-A author yesterday with the publication of his first book, Pat the Zombie: A Cruel (Adult) Spoof.
Which brings us to the kids. Pat the Zombie is a parody of one of the best-selling children’s classics of all time, Dorothy Kunhardt’s 1940 Pat the Bunny, a self-described “touch and feel” book whose interactive tactile features (such as soft, petable bunny “fur” and smellable flowers) were a novelty when it came out in 1940.
By contrast, Pat the Zombie — vividly illustrated by Kaveh Soofi and printed by the same Chinese house as the current edition of Pat the Bunny to accurately reproduce the original’s distinctive color palette, binding, and packaging — is a “touch and recoil” book that places the original against the backdrop of a zombie invasion that spares neither two-footed nor four-footed mammals.
The book’s graphic detail necessitates the cover’s clarification that the thing is for adults. Woe to the guardians of the toddler who stumbles on Zombie under the mattress!
Now, why would someone want to make a spoof like that? Particularly someone who is himself a parent? And the father of my children? To find out, I caught up with Ximm in the hallway outside our bathroom this morning.
Bernalwood: Why would you skewer such a beloved, benign children’s classic? Seriously. Aren’t there more appropriate topics for risqué parody, like the federal budget?
Aaron Ximm: It’s actually precisely the marriage of unshakable popularity and insipid content that made Pat the Bunny so plump a target. Some books are classics because they refuse to die. We just helped the process along a little.
How many million parents have gone glassy-eyed reading the curious imperative prose of the original to their offspring… over and over and over again? Pat the Zombie is for them. For us! We parents understand what it is to be half-alive.
Bernalwood: As anyone who was witness to Bernal Heights’ recent Easter egg hunt in Holly Park can attest, our neighborhood’s toddlers are a pretty savvy bunch. How would they fare during a real zombie invasion?
Ximm: Poorly, I’m sad to say. Poorly. Beating out little Hayden and Aiden, the twins from up the hill, for one last plastic egg is one thing. Possessing the focus, stamina, and wit required to fend off hordes of undead boxerdoodles and cockapoos is a whole ’nother thing.
Here in Bernalwood, our kids our coming up soft. Remember that commencement speech that was mis-attributed to Kurt Vonnegut? The one that said, “Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.” Well, it’s true; California can make you soft. Our kids should know how to bow-hunt the undead with chert-tipped arrows and eucalyptus bows after their supply of regular ammo runs dry.
Bernalwood: Troubling allegations have emerged that, during the writing of Pat the Zombie, you “beta-tested” the book on our three-year-old daughter. Aren’t you concerned about the effects such content might have on a developing mind? And even if your own empathic response is lacking, what about the potential for serious marital discord if these charges are substantiated?
Ximm: I prefer to think of this not so much as an early and unwitting exposure to our own culture’s relentless preoccupation with violent imagery, but as an essential rite of passage — akin to the Chod traditions passed from Bon into Tibetan Buddhism, in which the practitioner sits with the dead and visualizes their own mortality and decomposition.
And anyway, baby, she’s seen worse playing with your iPad since you always leave SafeSearch off. Remember that time she watched the trailer for Human Centipede?
Aaron Ximm will be reading from and signing Pat the Zombie at Dark Carnival (3086 Claremont Ave, Berkeley) from 2 to 4 p.m. on Saturday, May 14.
This Foursquare check-in from Brian Wong on Friday night certainly got my attention:
Jesus is being crucified on bernal hill (@ Bernal Heights Park)
Brian’s photo, shown above, was a real eye-catcher as well.
Meanwhile, according to reader Roger, the reenactment took place the corner of Folsom and Ripley, on the north side of the park.
He writes:
It was pretty epic. According to my neighbor (40 years on corner of Folsom/Ripley) it has been going on for years but typically happens in the early afternoon. After doing some digging, I discovered it was not St. Anthony’s but another church from down on the flats.
Apart from being rather graphic, he reports that it was also unquiet, with loudspeakers carrying chants of Latin and Spanish prayers. Very intense.
PHOTOS: Top, Brian Wong. Below, reader Roger.
Art Siegel took this photo exactly one year ago today. Are the flowers still as pretty? Is the sky still as blue? Where were we then, and where are we now? These are all questions that are probably best to avoid. But the photo? Wonderful.
UPDATE: Amasonbrink took this Instagram photo today on the hill, one year to the day from the photo above. It looks like those flowers are right on time:
Photo: iPhone Instagram by Telstar Logistics
While rained in Bernal Heights last week, it snowed hard in Lake Tahoe — so much so that some ski resorts got more than 100″ of snow. It was cold here, too, so snow even fell on nearby Mt. Tam and Mt. Diablo. But when I climbed to the top of Bernal Hill on Sunday, there was no snow to ski on, and that made me sad.
It’s too bad, because (as I’ve argued before), with a few feet of snow piled on top, Bernal Hill could deliver some epic rides. Indeed, as I looked down from Bernal, I began to visualize what it would look like after a big dump, and which lines would offer the best runs. And then — NIMBYs be damned! — I began to envision how to turn Bernal Hill into San Francisco’s premier destination ski resort.
Highlights of my proposal include:
Two High-Speed Chairifts: The Stoneman Chair, which zips up Bernal’s northwest corner from the foot of the hill near Coso Street, provides unparalleled access to the mountain’s advanced terrain. For beginners and intermediates, the Vista Pointe Chair carries kids of all ages up the gentle slopes of Ski Bernalwood’s eastern face.
Xtreme Terrain: Ski Bernalwood has the vertical drops that will keep adrenaline junkies coming back for more.
14 Limited is the mountain’s longest and most challenging run. A steep plunge down Bernal’s northwest face, the ride is as intense as the MUNI bus line from which it takes its name. The line down 14L takes you off the nose at the top of the hill, shooting you through the tree glade below the former roadbed and all the way down to the base of the Stoneman Chair.
Here’s the view from the top of 14 Limited:
Cornelio’s Folly, named after Jose Cornelio Bernal, is home to the Ski Bernalwood Air Force. A rock-faced cornice on the hill’s south face, Cornelio’s Folly drops into a perfectly sloped landing zone that makes it ideal terrain for hucking backflips.
Summit Lodge, Restaurant, and Cocktail Lounge: With only modest modification, the microwave antenna control facility atop Bernal Hill could be converted into an alpine lodge and eatery with commanding views of the surrounding cityscape. I propose outsourcing food services to Baby Blues BBQ and Emmy’s Spaghetti Shack, while recruiting Royal Cuckoo to operate the bar.
There’s an old saying: “When hell freezes over, I’ll ski that too.” With an investment of just a few million dollars, Bernalwood can be ready whenever that finally happens.
UPDATE: According to the San Francisco Chronicle, it really could snow in San Francisco this coming weekend! Contact Bernalwood to pre-purchase your lift tickets, and we’ll see you at the summit of 14 Limited.
Bernal Heights has changed a lot during the last 30 years, and mostly for the better. But some knuckle-draggers haven’t gotten the memo. They still think it’s 1972.
This photo was posted recently by Bernal Journal. Some unscrupulous contractor decided to use the parking area at the foot of Bernal Heights Park as a garbage dump. So sickening.
Our sources in the underground sent us these photos of a peace-oriented, conscousness-raising art/laundry installation that went up last night on Bernal Hill.
Photos: Courtesy of Tony
If you can’t actually stand atop Bernal Hill at sunset, the next best thing is to look at a 360-degree panorama image taken at sunset from the same spot. This one was taken just a few minutes ago by La Lengua’s uppity chief spokesblogger, Burrito Justice.
Check it out in full Pan-O-Rama-Vision. Meanwhile, if Burrito Justice is still up there, someone should go check his papers…
Thanks to Randy Antin, for sending the photo along.
We don’t have a dog. But we do have a doggie kite.
And since it was such a lovely weekend, my 3 year-old and I decided to take our doggie kite up to Bernal Heights Park, to go flying with all the real dogs that were also enjoying the nice weather on the hill.
At first my daughter expected the local canines to love her kite — doggies should love a doggie, right? — but she quickly realized the more complicated truth: “The dogs think our kite is weird,” she said.
You may not have voted for him, but Ben Calvin recently became the new mayor of Bernal Heights Park. That is, he’s the new mayor of Bernal Heights Park on Foursquare, the location-based social media thingy. Since it seemed unlikely that our *other* new mayor would entertain our probing questions — come to think of it, we didn’t vote for him either! — Bernalwood asked Ben to tell us about his new title, his political agenda, and his four-legged aide-de-camp.
Congratulations! You’re now the Foursquare mayor of Bernal Hill. How does it feel?
I treasure both my Foursquare mayoralities — in addition to Bernal Hill I am also the mayor of Pastores, the tiny Mexican restaurant on Mission Street at Cortland. Both are special to me.
How hard did you campaign to win the title? Did you get any help along the way?
I owe it all to my dog Tennyson. Without him there is no way I would be out there everyday at 7:00 AM. I may be the mayor, but Tennyson is the King of Bernal Hill. (Editor’s note: Tennyson may have to fight for the throne.)
What’s your favorite thing about Bernal Hill?
There is a real community of dogs (and their owners) who are a pleasure to know. We have a 10 year-old son, so I already knew the kid side of Bernal, but thanks to Tennyson I’ve met a lot of other great people and their dogs.
We got Tennyson through Wonderdog Rescue. They are a (mostly) small dog rescue organization, so if you’re thinking of getting a dog I recommend them highly.
What’s your least favorite thing about Bernal Hill?
The periodic midnight trash dump, and the occasional police activity. However in the early morning that’s fairly rare.
Now that you’re mayor, what’s your political agenda?
I’d like to see the Illegal Soap Box Derby return to the hill. There was one in November 2009, which the police curtailed. I don’t think we’ve had one since.
If you could change anything about the park, what would it be?
There is a certain amount of nefarious nighttime activity which comes and goes. Keeping that in check needs to be a priority.
How do you plan to stay on top?
Photo: Ben Calvin and Tennyson
Bernalwood 