It’s a question that’s no doubt top-of-mind for every armchair sociologist in the neighborhood: Given our proximity to the Mission, to say nothing of our spiritual and aesthetic affinity to same, why doesn’t Bernal Heights have a higher concentration of hipsters?

My analysis suggests the answer lies squarely at the intersection of Fashion Boulevard and Topography Way. Specifically, the relative dearth of hipsters in Bernalwood can only be explained by the fact that riding around here on a fixie just plain sucks. In the hipster’s obligatory skinny jeans, it may even be impossible. Ergo, few hipsters.

Yet in the spirit of good relations, this is ripe fodder for a trans-neighborhood collaboration with our friends at MissionMission or Uptown Almanac.

My proposal is simple: Come springtime, let’s organize the first-ever Bernal Heights Hipster Hillclimb. Fixies and skinny jeans required. Come as you are: No pre-race urine testing to screen for ingestion of 4Loko. Racers start on Folsom at the corner of Cesar Chavez Boulevard. On your mark, get set, GO up up up up Folsom.

Halfway to the finish line on the Folsom Street Hipster Deterrent Barrier

First one to reach the gate at Bernal Heights Park wins a case of PBR.

Who’s in??

Photos: Top: Greg Speck. Bottom: Telstar Logistics. Illustration: Jesse Kulenski