Threat or Menace? Bernalwood Mounts New Defense to Counter La Lengua’s Burrito Rail Gun

Those uppity La Lenguans have become uppity again, as the militarization of the La Lengua Autonomous Zone continues. Earlier this week, the La Lengua rebel propagandist known as Burrito Justice claimed to have developed a new superweapon, in the form of a super-sized Burrito Railgun.

Burrito Justice claims the weaponized burrito is based in the former Hunters Point Naval Shipyard, high atop the massive overhead crane that serves as a local landmark. The La Lenguans demonstrated their achievement with this chilling propaganda display:

The Bernalwood Intelligence Agency takes such threats very seriously. Our operatives quickly located the Burrito Railgun and confirmed its location via photo-analysis and 3-D modeling.  What they found was both shocking… and rather confusing:

In short, since burritos lack inertial self-guidance capability, the BIA’s trajectory analysis revealed that the true target of this weapon is not Bernalwood, but Oakland. The mega-burrito projectile is visible in this overview map:

While it is clear that La Lengua has transferred significant railgun technology to the Hunters Point Security Collective, the nature of their alliance — and why they have joined forces against Oakland and the East Bay powers —remains unknown. Nevertheless, this reckless act of Burrito-Based Arms (BBA) proliferation is a direct threat to District 9 security, and it must be met with a strong response from the Dominion of Bernalwood.

In collaboration with the Bernalwood Air Force, the BIA immediately deployed Phase II of the EYE OF SAUTRITO project. Originally developed to prevent illegal dumping on Bernal Hill, the Eye of Sautrito has now been upgraded to include a sensitive antenna array that can detect the electromagnetic emissions from a railgun preparing to fire. The array is linked via radar to a rapid-action, megajoule-burst microwave emitter that is capable of destroying foil-wrapped tortillas at distances up to ten miles. Watch this simple demonstration:

Sleep well, Citizens of Bernalwood, because you may rest easy in the knowledge that your vigilant defense forces will spare no expense to keep you safe, stylish, and secure.

Even When Invisible, Bernal Heights Reigns

Mr. Burrito Justice, the spiritual leader of the La Lengua separatists, posted this photo on his blog recently. It shows the summit of Bernal Hill emerging from a fog bank, as seen from the flatlands near St. Luke’s Hospital.

More importantly, the photo provides yet another reminder of how Bernal’s elevated supremacy so dominates the psyche of the poor La Lenguans, because even when our hill is shrouded in cloudy mist, the La Lenguans know — intuitively — that the hill is there, towering over them, awaiting an opportunity to reassert itself.

As Mr. Burrito Justice himself put it:

Out of a sunlit fog, Bernal emerges

… as it always has, and always will.

PHOTO: Burrito Justice