Our friends at Yahoo recently unveiled a new “Local” news page for Bernal Heights. It contains content from a variety of questionable sources that range from the merely dubious (such as Bernalwood) to the inadvertently hilarious.

The latter category includes a recent piece by Maryam Louise, in which Maryam evaluates the bar scene on Cortland Street from the perspective of someone who would probably rather be in South Beach, Miami. The result is an article that reads as if it could have been written by Lindsay Lohan during one of her drinky relapses:

To summarize the bars in Bernal Heights on Cortland Ave in a nutshell, they are geared toward people over the age of 25 that love budget happy hour specials. In addition, these bars close at 2 AM and offer a party animal spirit without the wild bar fights of the Mission District. If you are older, like to party, but prefer a classy environment, Cortland Ave is right for you.

In some neighborhoods, nightlife is hard to find. Bars are scattered throughout the community and make it difficult to browse. Typically, most alcohol drinkers love to move from one bar to the other within walking distance. It is always nice to start at one place that is quieter and then move on to food or dancing.

On Cortland Avenue in Bernal Heights, bar hopping is an easy task to accomplish. Within 2 blocks, there are over 4 different bars to choose from. Sadly, there is not a bar that specifically focuses on being a nightclub seven days a week, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t dancing and dance music playing.

It’s now only a matter of time until Cortland is overrun with Hummer limousines and underage kids waiting in line behind velvet ropes to enter the Stray Bar. But in the meantime, if you see a slightly tipsy young woman in a cocktail dress wandering Cortland in search of a techno beat, approach her gently and ask if her name is Maryam. If she says yes, urge her to call her mom to come pick her up.